If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
