Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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