Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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