Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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