Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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