Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Come on in and take your pants off
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