Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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