My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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