I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
