Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize