Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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