How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
