Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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