I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize