she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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