At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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