he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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