I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
