and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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