I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
