dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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