What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
