Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
