Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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