How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
