hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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