Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
