I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
