Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
