phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
