i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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