why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
