babies were throwing up all over the place
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
