I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
