if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
