Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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