My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
