Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
