she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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