You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
