at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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