Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
