this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
