Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
