I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
