everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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