My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize