As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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