Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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