umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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