she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
The air was thick with penises
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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