i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize