dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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