You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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