throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
