took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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