guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
