You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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