Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
