maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
