just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
