Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
