So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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