My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Randomize
