Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
