I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
