You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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