you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
