she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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