just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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