new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
