man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I need a beard to bite.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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