so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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