God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
