Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
the raccoons are back...
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