I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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